What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
