ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
