please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
