i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
