I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
