I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
