My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
