I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
