She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
