there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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