Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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