I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
