Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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