Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
