Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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