Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
