you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
