Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
