so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
