I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
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My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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