i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
