Don't make out with my wife yet
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
