Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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