You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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