I wish I could teleport
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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