this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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