Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
