I haven't been this sober since birth.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I have tasted many bathrooms
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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