He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Come on in and take your pants off
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