You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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