I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
