how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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