the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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