Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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