afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
