mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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