Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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