Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
