Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
