And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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