we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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