I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
