sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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