I accidentally had phone sex last night
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
