John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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