everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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