My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
