Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
