If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
