First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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