would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
