You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
