Pants 0. Shit 1.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
