Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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