nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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