I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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