Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
