U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
