at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
