I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
