Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
