He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
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We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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